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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 182404 times)
Ringo
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« Reply #3945 on: January 11, 2018, 05:21:24 PM »

Not all will get the punch line as probably not old enough to remember but for those of that are and can relate enjoy.

Here’s a quick one about the good old days!

It’s 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue’s father answers the door and invites him in.

He asks Bobby what they’re planning to do on the date. Bobby politely responds that they’ll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”

Bobby is shocked. “Excuse me, sir?”

“Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She’ll screw all night if we let her.”

Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, “Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!”

WOOPS!
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Ringo
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« Reply #3946 on: January 11, 2018, 09:25:26 PM »

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Ringo
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« Reply #3947 on: January 12, 2018, 10:21:36 AM »

Three elderly women are talking about their troubles.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said Ruth, the 60-year-old, “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old, Maxine. “When you’re 70, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.”

“Actually,” said Gilda, the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked Ruth.

“No, I pee every morning at 6 a.m. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.”

“Do you have trouble with your bowel movements?” Maxine questioned.

“No, I have one every morning at 6:30 a.m,” Gilda responded.

Puzzled with this, Ruth said, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6 a.m. and poop every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what’s so tough about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until 7.”
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Ringo
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« Reply #3948 on: January 14, 2018, 01:54:02 PM »

One evening, a beautiful 17 year old daughter came home, feeling slightly worried. Her dad noticed that something was wrong, and repeatedly asked her if there was anything she wanted to talk about.

Finally, the daughter revealed what had been bothering her. Her new boyfriend had said something that she hadn’t quite understood.

“He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper,” the 17-year-old said.

Her dad leaned back in his chair and took a few deep breaths to keep his anger at bay.

He said to his daughter, “You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, then I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he’ll start leaking out of his exhaust pipe!”
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« Reply #3949 on: January 14, 2018, 02:41:11 PM »

Some Maoris turn up at the Pearly Gates and are confronted by St.Peter.
"What do you want?" asks St.Peter.
"We wanna come in!" the Maoris reply.
"Hang on," says St.Peter. "Let me go and check with God."
So St.Peter goes to up to God and says, "We've got some Maoris at the Pearly Gates who want to come in."
God thinks for a second and says, "No, tell them to bugger off."
St.Peter leaves and then returns shortly after to tell God, "They're gone."
God nods and says, "The Maoris."
St.Peter replies, "No! The Pearly Gates."
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Ringo
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« Reply #3950 on: January 14, 2018, 06:17:20 PM »

Love this one.

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« Reply #3951 on: January 20, 2018, 09:47:39 AM »

Been away for a week so here goes again. Sorry to offend the ladies.

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« Reply #3952 on: January 23, 2018, 04:01:59 PM »

    An old lady was standing at the railing of a cruise ship, holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the strong wind.

    A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

    “Yes, I know,” said the lady, “but I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”

    “But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

    The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 83 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”
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« Reply #3953 on: January 25, 2018, 10:50:26 AM »

Misunderstandings always make for HILARIOUS stories!

An English lady, making plans for an inexpensive visit to Switzerland, wrote to a country inn for a room reservation. She ended the letter saying she preferred accommodation as close as possible to a WC.

You anglophones will recognize WC as a water closet or toilet. The Swiss innkeeper was not that well acquainted with English, so he took the letter to his friend the parish priest and asked, “What is a WC?”

The priest mulled this over for a time and then the dawn broke. “I’ve got it,” he said, “of course she means Wayside Chapel!”

Very pleased to have his problem solved, the innkeeper hastened to write to the English lady:

Dear Madam,
It is with great pleasure that I am able to inform you that we have a lovely room reserved for your visit and that there, indeed, is a WC. It is located only two miles from the inn, in a beautiful grove of pine trees which gives a feeling of serenity to the visitor.

It may surprise you to know that our WC holds over two hundred persons per sitting. It is a good idea to go as early as possible in order to get a good seat, as sometimes only standing room is available, and is especially hard on some of the older ladies.

On Sundays, a good number of people take picnic lunches and make a day of it. Others take a bus or horse carriage and usually arrive only just in time. I would recommend Madam arrange to go on Thursday evenings when there is organ accompaniment.

Although the building dates back to the 12th century, the acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds may be heard in the halls.

We are very proud of our unusual bell, donated by a wealthy visitor, which rings every time someone makes an offering.

Unfortunately my wife is not been able to attend regularly, since we don’t live that close. Naturally it pains her very much not to be able to go more often.

Some come with cheer – some with charity – but all leave satisfied.

/ Country inn Stübner
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« Reply #3954 on: January 26, 2018, 12:59:05 PM »

Enjoy this one.

https://www.facebook.com/seen.everything/videos/1507083336062865/
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« Reply #3955 on: January 27, 2018, 11:06:28 AM »

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying barbie told you I was speeding too.

She had a plan the whole time!



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« Reply #3956 on: January 28, 2018, 02:46:14 PM »

    A man was heading home from work. Unfortunately the bus got canceled, so he had to call a cab. While sitting in the cab, he noticed that the driver missed a turn in an intersection.

    The man carefully tapped the driver on his shoulder and said, “Sorry Sir, but…”

    The driver screamed, “AAAAAAHHHH!” and lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, missed a biker, scraped a fire hydrant and stopped just 1 feet from a department store shop window.

    For a full 3 seconds everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver slowly turned around and said, “Look, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!”

    The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

    The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver. For the last 25 years I’ve been driving a hearse!”
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« Reply #3957 on: February 02, 2018, 10:20:54 AM »

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’”

“The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus.’”
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« Reply #3958 on: February 04, 2018, 03:51:10 PM »

    A man walks into a watering hole with a large box and takes a seat at the bar. The bartender, curious, asks, “What’s in the box?”

    The man says, “I’ll show you if you get me a free beer.”

    So the bartender gets the man a beer. The man drinks it, then pulls out a minuscule little man and a matching piano. The little man promptly starts playing the little piano.

    “Hey, that’s pretty cool,” the bartender says. “Where did you get that?”

    The man says, “I’ll tell you if you get me another beer.”

    So the bartender gets the man another beer. The man drinks it. “I got it from a genie in a lamp,” he finally reveals.

    Fully invested now, the bartender says, “If you let me borrow that lamp, I’ll give you another beer.”

    “Sure!” the man answers. The bartender gets him another beer, and the man hands the bartender the lamp.

    The bartender rubs the lamp and sure enough, a genie pops out.

    “You are now my master,” the genie announces. “I will grant you one wish. What will it be?”

    The bartender immediately says, “I wish for a million bucks!”

    All of a sudden, a million ducks start flying into the room.

    “What the heck is this!” screams the bartender, attempting to chase them out. “I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”

    The man, still sitting at the bar, responds, “Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”
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« Reply #3959 on: February 05, 2018, 09:43:40 AM »

After a tiring day, Zoe settled down in a seat on her train and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

“Hi sweetheart. It’s Gavin. I’m on the train.

“Yes, I know it’s the 6:30 and not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting.

“No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss.

“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life.

“Yes, I promise, cross my heart.”

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When Zoe, exasperated, had had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, “Gavin, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Red-faced and absolutely shocked, he shut off his phone and didn’t say a single word for the rest of the train ride.
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