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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 191658 times)
Ringo
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« Reply #3960 on: February 07, 2018, 10:59:20 AM »

    An old man goes to church one morning and heads into confession.

    Inside, he says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, a widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.”

    The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

    “Never, Father, I’m Jewish,” the man replies.

    “So then, why are you telling me?” the priest asks, confused.

    The man responds, “I’m telling everybody!”
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« Reply #3961 on: February 09, 2018, 10:25:04 AM »

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6-year-old. “I think it’s about time we start cussing.”

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues. “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m going to say hell and you say ass.”

“OK!” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. “Aw hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts “You can just stay there till I let you out!”

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “But you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
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« Reply #3962 on: February 10, 2018, 06:51:47 PM »

Not really a joke as this may be an indication of things to come:

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« Reply #3963 on: February 12, 2018, 06:18:45 PM »

One day Einstein had to speak at a big important science convention. He called a cab.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”

The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”

“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”
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« Reply #3964 on: February 13, 2018, 10:56:47 AM »

    Joe had been having horrible headaches, so he went to see his doctor.

    The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

    Joe was shocked and depressed, but in the end he came to the conclusion that he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

    As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need. A new suit.”

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

    The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44 long.”

    Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

    “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.

    Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”

    Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

    “Been in the business 60 years.”

    Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

    Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”

    The salesman said, “Let’s see, size 36.”

    Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

    The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
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« Reply #3965 on: February 14, 2018, 09:55:40 AM »

No offence intended here remember it is just a joke but ladies may love it.

God was just about done creating humans. He was feeling pretty satisfied with his work, but he had two parts left over.

He couldn’t decide how to split them between Adam and Eve, so he thought he might just as well ask them.

“I’ve got two things for you, but you’ll have to decide who gets what. The first thing is the ability to pee standing up…”

Adam interrupted, “Oh please give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!”

On and on he went like an excited little boy, bouncing up and down.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the ability to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited that he just started whizzing all over the place – first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he ‘did the helicopter’ with his thing.

“Look Eve, I’m a sprinkler!”

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, “Well, I guess you’re kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.”

Eve asked, “What’s that?”

God said, “Brains.”
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« Reply #3966 on: February 15, 2018, 03:03:53 PM »

Anna was 79 years old and lived on the third floor of a boarding house. Despite her age, she was still a real pistol packin’ mama. However, one day she fell and broke her leg.

An ambulance drove her to the hospital where a doctor put a cast on it. When he was done, he warned her, “Now don’t be walking up or down any stairs, okay?”

Anna nodded, and thought that this sounded reasonable.

A few weeks later, the doctor took off the cast.

“So, can I climb stairs now?” asked the little old lady.

“Yes,” he replied.

“Thank goodness!” she said. “I’m sick and tired of climbing up and down that drainpipe!”
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« Reply #3967 on: February 17, 2018, 09:41:02 AM »



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« Reply #3968 on: February 18, 2018, 08:09:12 PM »

Apologies if this offends.  The statement at top is true though.

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« Reply #3969 on: February 21, 2018, 11:23:45 AM »

A 21 year old blonde girl met a large, powerfully built bodybuilder at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.

The body builder takes off his shirt, and while doing so, he exclaims, “Boom!”

The blonde says, “What a great chest you have!”

He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby!”

He then rips off his pants, once again yelling, “Boom!”

The blonde is impressed and says, “My, what massive calves you have!”

The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby.”

He then rips off his underwear, and exclaims “Boom!”

The blonde goes running out of the apartment, screaming in fear.

The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, “I didn’t want to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!”
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« Reply #3970 on: February 23, 2018, 01:04:44 PM »

    There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

    “Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I suddenly burst into tears.

    “Oh, come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

    “This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me.”

    “So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jackass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”
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« Reply #3971 on: February 24, 2018, 04:52:48 PM »

    A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

    Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. People would say, “What a peaceful and loving couple.”

    On this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

    “Well,” explained the husband, “it all goes back to our honeymoon.

    “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.

    “We hadn’t gone too much farther when my wife Ruth’s mule stumbled and she almost fell off. Ruth quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

    “We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: ‘That’s twice.’

    “We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. Ruth promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead.

    “I SHOUTED at her, ‘What’s wrong with you, woman?! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?’

    “Ruth looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’ “
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« Reply #3972 on: February 24, 2018, 08:24:22 PM »

Sorry if ladies offended.

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« Reply #3973 on: February 26, 2018, 10:07:48 AM »

    Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”

    “Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

    Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. “Two dogs, please,” she says.

    The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs.’

    One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”
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« Reply #3974 on: February 27, 2018, 02:48:29 PM »

    A very old lady realizes that she’s seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world.

    After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

    Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart.

    He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

    The senior lady hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
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