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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 165410 times)
Ringo
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« Reply #3960 on: February 07, 2018, 10:59:20 AM »

    An old man goes to church one morning and heads into confession.

    Inside, he says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, a widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.”

    The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

    “Never, Father, I’m Jewish,” the man replies.

    “So then, why are you telling me?” the priest asks, confused.

    The man responds, “I’m telling everybody!”
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« Reply #3961 on: February 09, 2018, 10:25:04 AM »

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6-year-old. “I think it’s about time we start cussing.”

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues. “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m going to say hell and you say ass.”

“OK!” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. “Aw hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts “You can just stay there till I let you out!”

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “But you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
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« Reply #3962 on: February 10, 2018, 06:51:47 PM »

Not really a joke as this may be an indication of things to come:

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« Reply #3963 on: February 12, 2018, 06:18:45 PM »

One day Einstein had to speak at a big important science convention. He called a cab.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”

The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”

“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”
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« Reply #3964 on: February 13, 2018, 10:56:47 AM »

    Joe had been having horrible headaches, so he went to see his doctor.

    The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

    Joe was shocked and depressed, but in the end he came to the conclusion that he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

    As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need. A new suit.”

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

    The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44 long.”

    Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

    “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.

    Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”

    Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

    “Been in the business 60 years.”

    Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

    Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”

    The salesman said, “Let’s see, size 36.”

    Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

    The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
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« Reply #3965 on: February 14, 2018, 09:55:40 AM »

No offence intended here remember it is just a joke but ladies may love it.

God was just about done creating humans. He was feeling pretty satisfied with his work, but he had two parts left over.

He couldn’t decide how to split them between Adam and Eve, so he thought he might just as well ask them.

“I’ve got two things for you, but you’ll have to decide who gets what. The first thing is the ability to pee standing up…”

Adam interrupted, “Oh please give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!”

On and on he went like an excited little boy, bouncing up and down.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the ability to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited that he just started whizzing all over the place – first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he ‘did the helicopter’ with his thing.

“Look Eve, I’m a sprinkler!”

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, “Well, I guess you’re kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.”

Eve asked, “What’s that?”

God said, “Brains.”
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« Reply #3966 on: February 15, 2018, 03:03:53 PM »

Anna was 79 years old and lived on the third floor of a boarding house. Despite her age, she was still a real pistol packin’ mama. However, one day she fell and broke her leg.

An ambulance drove her to the hospital where a doctor put a cast on it. When he was done, he warned her, “Now don’t be walking up or down any stairs, okay?”

Anna nodded, and thought that this sounded reasonable.

A few weeks later, the doctor took off the cast.

“So, can I climb stairs now?” asked the little old lady.

“Yes,” he replied.

“Thank goodness!” she said. “I’m sick and tired of climbing up and down that drainpipe!”
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« Reply #3967 on: Yesterday at 09:41:02 AM »



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