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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 186350 times)
Ringo
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« Reply #3990 on: April 09, 2018, 03:24:29 PM »

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« Reply #3991 on: April 10, 2018, 06:13:05 PM »

One for we older members of the forum.

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« Reply #3992 on: April 12, 2018, 09:16:36 AM »

Is this the latest Kawasaki

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« Reply #3993 on: April 17, 2018, 03:07:15 PM »

    A 5-year-old boy visited his grandmother one day.

    Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?”

    Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”

    Grandma later turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

    The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello son, is your grandma home?”

    The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.”
    The minister fainted.
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« Reply #3994 on: April 20, 2018, 01:40:20 PM »

    A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain the definition of the word “definitely” to her class. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

    The first student raised his hand and said, “The sky is definitely blue.”

    The teacher said, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

    Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”

    The teacher replied, “If grass doesn’t get enough water it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct either.”

    Finally, Billy raises his hand and asks the teacher, “Do farts have lumps?”

    The teacher looked at him and said “No… But that isn’t really a question you want to ask in class discussion.”

    So Billy replies, “Then I definitely just shower my pants.”
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« Reply #3995 on: April 28, 2018, 08:10:27 AM »

    A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She suspects that he’s preparing a surprise for her since today is their 20th wedding anniversary, so she puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

    She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

    “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “You haven’t been sitting here all night, have you!?”

    The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.”

    She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

    The husband continues, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15,” he said solemnly.

    Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

    “Yes, I do,” she replies.

    The husband pauses… The words were not coming easily.

    “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

    “Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continued, “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?”

    “I remember that too,” she replied softly…

    He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”
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« Reply #3996 on: April 28, 2018, 08:13:30 AM »

Been a while so a second one

A First grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Johnny what is your problem?”

Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!”

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal’s office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Johnny: “9”.
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Johnny: “36”.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Johnny can go to the third grade.

“The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Johnny, after a moment, “Legs.”
Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, “Pockets.”
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Johnny: “Pants”
Teacher: “What starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?”
Johnny: “Fire truck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself.
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« Reply #3997 on: April 30, 2018, 12:06:23 PM »



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« Reply #3998 on: May 01, 2018, 09:49:22 AM »

one for all the retail workers at there

    So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

    About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

    The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”

    So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”

    My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
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« Reply #3999 on: May 01, 2018, 05:50:24 PM »

Think we can relate to this.

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« Reply #4000 on: May 03, 2018, 04:35:49 PM »

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”

“No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spat in it.

When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it.

The Soldier returned, and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked.
“This fighting between our services?
This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”
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« Reply #4001 on: May 09, 2018, 10:39:40 AM »

    Agnes married and had 13 children.

    When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children.

    Again, her husband passed away. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children before her third husband died as well.

    Alas, she herself died eventually.

    Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman. “Lord, at long last, they are finally together,” he announced solemnly.

    One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”

    The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”
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« Reply #4002 on: May 27, 2018, 12:47:03 PM »

A 71-year-old man made the trip back to his old college to take one last look around campus again before he settled in to retired life.

As he got to the campus he saw a young man studying hard, and the sight brought back memories. He sat on the bench beside the lad, but was surprised when the kid started spouting off at him.

“You old geezer. Your generation will never understand my generation,” the kid lectured. “You grew up in a different world. In fact, your world is almost primitive compared to mine,” the student said.

“Is that right?” the elder man said.

“The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, microwaves. I can carry hundreds of books on a tiny chip in my cell phone. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing, and,” he paused to take swig of beer.

The senior took advantage of the break in the student’s litany and said, “You’re right, son. We didn’t have those things when we were young – so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little barbie, what are you doing for the next generation?”

The student fell completely silent and all the people around them cheered!
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« Reply #4003 on: May 27, 2018, 12:48:36 PM »

Been a while so here is another

    A man and his wife are out driving, and get pulled over by a police officer.

    The husband, who is the one behind the wheel, asks, “What’s the problem, officer?”

    Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”

    Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”

    Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

    Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

    Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”

    Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.” (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

    Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”

    Man: “Oh, this? I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”

    Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.”

    The man turns to his wife and yells, “Shut your mouth!”

    The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”

    Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.”
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« Reply #4004 on: May 31, 2018, 01:23:01 PM »

    A 53 year old man called home to his wife and told her that his boss had asked him to come along on a fishing trip to Canada.

    The husband said over the phone, “We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.”

    Before hanging up, he hurriedly added, “Oh! And please pack my new silk pajamas.”

    The wife replied, “Your silk pajamas?”

    The man said, “Yeah, you know, the blue ones. See you in a bit!”

    The wife thought that this sounded a bit strange, but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

    The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and gave him a kiss.

    “Welcome back honey. Did you catch any fish?”

    He said, “Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”

    The wife replied, “I did. They’re in the top of your fishing box…”
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